The whole weekend was great apart from NYE after midnight he came up to me and asked if we could go somewhere private, I said sure, and he kept asking why i didn't want to be with him and i kept looking straight thru him and walking away even though he knew I'd seen him... ?? !! huh?  He said he was paranoid that I didn't want to be around him and i was always going off with other people. I said, it WAS paranoid, and so unlike him, so maybe it was the pot, but then I remembered he'd done / said something similar at The november camping weekend..

I said i'd asked him a few times if he wanted to go here or there or come with me to talk to whoever, but he'd either not heard me, or was too tied up in his own conversation to listen so I just went by myself sometimes. I said that I was annoyed he felt like i was ignoring him because he has always disliked ME following HIM around like a puppy, and encouraged me to go find my own friends, yet when I do it (what he suggested, and what he ALWAYS does), he gets jealous and paranoid. When I alluded to the puppy following thing, he said 'dont you want me to follow you?” I said no, it is stifling,. Just how you hate it when i do it to you. He got pretty upset and couldn't see how it was one rule for me (stay close or he'll get paranoid) and one rule for him (he'll do what he likes when he likes with whom and stuff me if i don't like it).

It got to fever point later, when we'd all gone to bed, and i put a stop to it and said we'd ask Deb (the psych) her opinion, he whined and said 'well as long as you remember the conversation, coz I dont want to forget it'. I don't want to go to the next party or weekend away, in case he brings this up again, it's SO UNFAIR. He can't understand that he does EXACTLY what I was doing – HIS OWN THING – but when I do it, automatically I don't want to be with him?? How does he think I've felt for 2 years??

I reminded him of the time we came in at 1am from a night out and he wanted to go to a naked hot tub party at amy's, i said i didn't want to go as i'd rather spend the rest of the night with him, he said that he didn't and so was going to amy's without me. I said that was a classic example of me wanting to be with him, and him going off and doing something else entirely. So then he said 'oh so you're still punishing me for that night?” Who the fuck said anything about punishing?? He brings up that word often and i don't see how he applies that word to what i'm supposedly doing (the SAME as him, finding my own friends and enjoying myself..?)

How on earth would he feel if i said I was dissing him and blowing him off to go jump in a hot-tub full of naked 20-something guys, (no other women present), 10 miles away, with guys I all fancied and were hot?? He would have thrown a fucking fit. So how come I can't move 50 feet away, IN HIS SIGHT, and TALK to someone else. CLOTHED.??

3^rd January

Is he FUCKING serious?? We just had an almighty fight in the car. A mutual guy friend, Zander, called to say we were invited to his birthday on Fri 11^th and that on saturday Zander and Eddie were going to a Miami strip club and inviting all the girls to join them and that they would provide the party favours, but that NO other guys were allowed to come at all. It was his and Eddie's birthday and his g/f  and eddie's g/f (live in partner of 10 years) were going as well as a bunch of other girls and would I like to come. I said that sounded like a blast and I'd pencil it in.

So I got off the phone and relayed all this to SP, he said oh Zander and Eddie (our good friends, remember) want all the girls to themselves? I said yeah, why not, it's their birthdays?! Thinking that if say 2 of our female friends had a birthday and wanted all the  guys there, but no other girls, I'd be cool with that.

He started on about how I was breaking the rules we'd set and that I had a different idea of what our 'rules' meant. I asked what swinging had to do with being invited to a birthday party with 10 girls and 2 birthday guys. He went on about the fact that I'd spoken to Eddie (ages ago) about sex and our fantasies we had about him and his g/f, and that he didn't like that, I said yes, but we discussed that and we fixed it so why are you now bringing it up? He said that was just the start of it and that I did stuff at New Years that didn't include him and I had broken our agreement, I said how's that? He said when he 'found' me and 2 other girls and Zander in Jazzie's tent, 'touching' each other...  Znader's g/f Leanne was there LOL  !  how bad can it be??

Well, as I'd told him at the time, me and jazzy were talking privately about her issues, when Zander and his g/f Leanne barged in and plopped themselves down in between me and Jazz, and we all kinda held each others hands or arms and that I didn't invite them in to jazzy's tent, so how could it be my doing, and neither did jazzy, and besides, there was nothing sexual going on. Incidentally, when SP joined us and I started to touch SP (leg, arm, again nothing sexual), he pushed MY arm away and placed it on the girls' arms and legs. I could hear him heavy breathing and he was obviously excited, so now why the problem with it??

He kept going on about that I was punishing him for going in Amy's hot tub and touching her 'hip' (actually, her ass crack) and that now I wanted to do that same thing (uh.. no... where did you get THAT from??) I was USING his past indiscretions against him, when he said that we'd come to our 'agreement' AFTER he'd touched Amy's 'hip' and that he'd never done that again. Not her hip, no, or her ass crack, but many times he has come up behind her and thrust himself up against her ass, and she too had been gyrating on his knee many times. But I'd put all that in the past, purely bringing it up to point out that how come HE can do THOSE intimate things, yet I can't talk to people about stuff or be around other people without him?

I know he's insecure and for some reason doesn't trust me, so I pointed out AGAIN that I have NEVER wanted to be with other people, am very happy being monogamous and NEVER EVER touching other people, but that I had changed in order to be with him and because I love him, and that now I was becoming a little more comfortable with the idea, why was he having a problem with it because I thought that's what he wanted all along??

I'm so SICK of his double-standards bullshit. Then he made out that it was HIS idea to get this issue moderated by Deb (in fact we argued about this on NYE, as stated above, and I stopped it and said I wanted it to be moderated by Deb...) - why does he always change things around to make out he is making the effort to improve this?

I yelled at him out of complete frustration as he kept saying 'why are you doing this, why are you being like this...?' and I yelled that I hadn't done ANYTHING and had not broken any rules. Then he makes a big fuss about the fact that I yelled at him, saying that it must mean something big, in order for me to yell, and what did that mean, what did I want so badly or was fighting for/against so badly. He always reads stuff into it that doesn't exist, like this 'punishing' idea or he says 'oh so you want to do THAT then...' when I never said anything or indicated anything of the sort ! He's making things up that he imagines I want to do, in his own head and is projecting them.

So it was silence all the way home, and we just get into the drive, and he pats me condescendingly on the knee and says 'honneeee... let's get this moderated by Deb, I love you and I don't want this space between us so let's forget it until we see Deb, ok?” Is he FUCKING KIDDING??? I said nothing so he was moody and said 'huh, I guess not then' so I said I couldn't just turn off my feelings like that. He mumbled something about not being able to either. I stomped in the house and he left.

It's times like this that I want to run away. I dont' want to be near him or around him or see or speak to him. It eats me up inside that he can be so contrary and just brings things up when it suits him.

Now if we'd ALL started off in the tent together, he'd be delighted, but if I'd not been into touching anyone, he would have been pissed and gone on about why aren't I more open and loving and touchy , yet when I AM, he has a problem with it, so I am just stuck in the middle not knowing who I'm allowed to talk to or hug and when to do it, incase I do the wrong thing in his eyes.